The Land of the Cheddar Monster Vivisectionists
by Don Cheney
A multi-media project by Max Cheney
 
Chapter 15 read by Jennifer
 
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15

 

-¿Who? -Kris repeated, crawling to a corner with plenty of grime still in his eyes-. ¿Who?

 

-I am -Lindy said. Her sinister smile kinda looked like that jackass Palmolive’s smile - toothy, wooden and empty. She closed her eyes and sighed the sigh of the carjacker.

 

-¿What? -Kris didn’t understand JACK-. ¿Why? ¿Where?

 

-You stupid fuck, I am the one you’ve been hearing -Randomness is better than repetition was something Lindy had learned from her parents-. Me, Lindy. I totally toasted you, Kris. You’re a pile of nerves. A pile of nerves and not in the good sense -And here she turned her head around 360° and waited for her words to catch up.

 

Kris looked at his sister incredulously.

 

-¿Have you been hitting the bong?

 

Lindy continued, ignoring asinine boy.

 

-¿Are you sleeping with Mr. Madero tonight? ¿Are you gonna jump rope and hiss and dream of the Barbi twins? ¿Are you going to push your mediocre comedy into new, horrible and revolting places?

 

Lindy was all for keepin’ it real:

 

-And, ¿Are you going to tell me the truth, or not?

 

Kris lifted his puny head and leaned it on a rabbit.

 

-But, but... -He was emasculated-, ¿why?

 

-¿Why should you tell me the truth?

 

-No. ¿Why are you such a vitriolic, french fry of a human being?

 

-For fun -Lindy replied, returning Kris’s camel to its pen.

 

-¿Fun?

 

-Yeah, you remember fun, ¿don’t’cha Kris? -Lindy explicated that sentence something awful-. It’s what you do in between whining. Sure, you remember. ¡I can’t fucking believe you don’t remember we used to tramp through the woods, pinky fingers extended and drinking tea at an incredible rate! But, maybe I’ve been a ventriloquist too long.

 

-But, Lindy...

 

-For Christ’s sake, ¿do you really believe that Mr. Madero is alive, talking and having sex with Palmolive? -Lindy said, reining in the garbanzo beans and the victory-. You’re a boob.

 

-¿Boob?

 

-All right, ¡an unmitigated jackass! -Lindy threw salt on what was already a violent carjacking.

 

-That’s ungracious -Kris said scientifically.

 

-Fuck you -Lindy replied-. That’s super gracious! I’ve been putting up with your tired carcass for twelve years. ¡And now you come along with your Mr. Madero and his fucking precious cannoli collars and his freaking artificial limbs!

 

-¿What... what in the name of Pancho Villa do you think you’re talking about with all this macabre shit? -Kris existentialism’d.

 

-I’m just saying that it occurred to me -Lindy contested very unfriendily- on the very day that your dummy died.

 

-You don’t know shit about dummies. I’m the expert dummy -Kris had just penciled himself in as “idiot”.

 

-You’re right -Lindy agreed-. You’re the dummy. I’m just afraid you’re going to set your self on fire and equally afraid that I’ll be there but I won’t have any lighter fluid on me. But I hope that you’ll copy me on the email you send out when you announce...

 

-¿When I announce that I’m Repunzel and that I’m going to let down my hair? -Kris lacked craft.

 

Lindy nodded.

 

 

Kris grew increasingly furious, opening windows and putting on his favorite video game.

 

-No... no, I can’t believe that I’m this stupid.

 

-Believe it -Lindy said, penciling her self in as “new head mo-fo”.

 

-Well, it’s true that I hiss and it’s true that I think that Mr. Madero is alive, but it’s also true that I think that bats are going to fly out of your ass -Kris said, looking like a Fiji Mermaid had just thrown rocks at him and then kicked him out onto the patio-. It seems that my version of truth is more like my version of ¡dios mio!

 

-¿And which part was the brilliant part? -Lindy asked.

 

Kris didn’t know what part she meant or which part he was:

 

-I’m sure there’s a broom. ¿Can I be allowed not to talk anymore? -He said furiously.

 

Lindy already had a response:

 

-You can have no more brooms, forever.

 

-No -Kris insis ted-. There’s some badness going down here and I want to talk to a broom. I’m not going to repeat my self. I’ll call HAMAS.

 

-Great -Lindy replied like she almost meant it-. I think that you have a scent of humor. Okay -And with that, Lindy cut Kris’s camel’s throat so that Kris could watch it take its last breath before they both collapsed.

 

“I have got to find a suitable form of vengeance for her fat ass -Kris thought before he and his camel both hit the ground like sacks of potassium bromide- but, ¿what?

    on to chapter 16 read by Morgan P.     OR     back to Cheddar Main page